Call it Mondayitis if you will, I honestly found it difficult to get into second gear and consequently I felt flat as a pancake. It was as though my vase full of energy had been knocked over and I couldn't stem the flow, everything just felt too hard to contain. To make things more difficult I had individual client sessions and a workshop to run today, so I was pretty depleted by the afternoon.
When I put things into perspective I know my woes aren't the worst in the world and that I have support around me, but when you're in the thick of it, things become so distorted that your woes do become bigger than they seem.
I do not wish to use this post as a rant of the woes of the world, for that would be at the expense of using more energy. I wish to use it as a point of reflection whereby I can be honest about how things can feel at times.
Many people regard me as a kind-hearted and generous person who supports others. I love playing that role and it's an important part of my DNA - I am a humanitarian at heart and nothing gives me greater pleasure than making a difference to those around me. But when I tend to give and give some more, my energy levels get sapped up quickly and I can veer on burnout. It can feel hollow and it's not the best feeling to have.
Over the past month I've noticed I've been busy at work and also in my outside interests and projects. I enjoy having variety in my life but the volume of work has been creeping up and I have a tendency not to say no. I began noticing I was craving for my weekends and when Sunday rolled around I started feeling 'blah' about the week ahead. I also noticed I was snapping at my loved ones and was constantly telling people I was so 'busy'. It was as if busy was a constant condition.
More alarmingly I noticed I was starting to get regular headaches and my sleep wasn't as restful. I was also starting to exercise less and I was being too liberal with the snack box at work (eeep!).
As a constant giver I know for a fact that at times I am not the best of seeking help for myself when I am overwhelmed, but it gets tiring when the brave face and the smile begins to slip.
I know I wasn't at my best today but a part of me was glad I was seeking people out for support and reassurance. In my late teens and early twenties I battled with insecurities and being a perfectionist, I would've baulked at the idea of telling others how it was for me. So with my peers today I told them I was feeling exhausted and explained some of the pressures. I didn't expect them to fix things for me but just to be aware of how I was and to lend a supportive ear.
After moping around for most of the day I've consciously decided I do not wish to wallow and allow my exhausted self to think negatively about things. I think experiencing depression in my early twenties taught me how to cope with the negative distortions, however irrational they are, and to refocus the thoughts on what is practical.
I'm aware I need to rest. It seems so simple, but sometimes I am terrible at having 'proper rest'. I am an active relaxer and normally flit from activity to activity, so having complete stillness can be a struggle at times. I actually appreciate it when people tell me when I'm overdoing it. I'm not always good at reading my signals and I know people have my best interests at heart.
In the next day or two I will reflect on what I need to do to rebuild my energy and to get the vase full again. Many of you will know this as a self-care plan. With the work related issues I will chat with my manager and prioritise work. With my extra commitments I will have to put some on hold. But most importantly, for my health I will make sure I eat better, sleep more, get active and surround myself with my loved ones.
Wow, writing this blog post has been invigorating and it's nice to share things in a thoughtful and open way. I may be a helper at heart, but helpers do have their bad days too and I guess it's part of being human.
Thanks for reading this through. I appreciate it xx
For those if you who want to know more about coping with burnout and building resilience strategies, here are some useful articles:
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=11168359
http://www.grownups.co.nz/read/health/health_wellbeing/kay-douglas-burnout
http://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/page/1180-five-ways-to-wellbeing
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